HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
