So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
