Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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