I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
