How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize