I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
