Your face is a jimmy john
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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