If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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