I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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