Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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