she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
