there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Anyone see the sob who took the piรฑata?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Randomize
