He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
