I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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