And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
