Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
