in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize