god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
