tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
ttyl tear gas
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
