The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
