People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
