Yo dont text me then not text me
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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