I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
