We're facebook friends in real life
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
