i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
