I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
