so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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