Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
