you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
