she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
