everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize