I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
