i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
