I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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