i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
