i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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