Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
