I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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