i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize