After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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