last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
