It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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