Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
