I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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