Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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