Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
