Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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