Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My vagina just clenched in fear
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
