what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
