Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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