There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
