i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
