I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
