All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
