did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
