my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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