Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
