he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
