I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
