i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
