you would pick up someone in the library
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
