Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
