I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
no, he came in my armpit
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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