I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
