Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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