Four minutes until I can fart!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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