I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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