if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
