I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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