What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize