put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
